Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
I was so high i believed someone when they told me le moyne beat syracuse
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
