Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
