forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
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I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
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Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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