I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My ass is underappreciated
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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