do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
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I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
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So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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