you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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