my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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