well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
