i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Randomize
