He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
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