how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
