Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
