I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
