Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Randomize
