Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize