There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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