the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
