I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
this is an emotional support booty call
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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