I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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