Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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