i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
