Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
