Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize