when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
