My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
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