Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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