Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
3pm strippers are depressing
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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