Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
