I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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