i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
