made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
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