I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
