morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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