Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
