Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Randomize
