How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
