Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
