Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Randomize
