Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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