Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
