new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
