I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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