On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Randomize
