I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
