I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
