i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
her facebook's as public as her vagina
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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