rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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