How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
