apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
