Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
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