I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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