Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
Randomize
