My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
