shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I just saw a hot homeless man
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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