smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
