I accidentally burped into my bong.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
