turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
